When It Comes to Dating, Should You Be Channeling Your Inner G.I.Joe?
Geplaatst op 25-06-2024
Categorie: Lifestyle
Now you know and knowing is half the battle.”-G.I. Joe
When I was in college one of my boyfriends would always quote G. I. Joe to me. Whenever I said “Well now I know,” he would chime in with Joe’s famous line “and knowing is half the battle.” I was always thought it was cute because he was cute and it was one of “our things.”
Give me a break, I was smitten.
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Now that I am a little older, I realize there was a little genius in that ’80s cartoon. Even though Joe was talking about skateboarding safety and talking to strangers, the same rule can apply to dating. As a dating coach, it my job to help my clients figure out the crap that is holding them back from a healthy and happy relationship. Many times, as they start to realize “the crap,” they can become really overwhelmed by the idea of changing it. Their crap is the behavior that is holding them back; it is a comfort zone or defense mechanism that they have been doing for years. Whether it is severe sarcasm that gets guys scratching their heads, an uncontrollable neediness that comes out of nowhere and gets them running or a ticket on the crazy train that starts with you drunk texting at 2 am, it is what you know and changing it isn’t going to happen overnight. But that doesn’t mean changing is impossible.
When a client says to me “How do I even do that?” I start by asking them to channel their inner G.I. Joe, because “knowing really IS half the battle.” Once you know what you are doing that isn’t working, you can use that awareness to slowly, but surely, make changes. You can watch for the self-defeating behavior and change it on the spot. It won’t happen all at once, but after some time, it will become your new learned behavior. No, it is not an easy process, but I think a happy and healthy relationship is worth it, don’t you?
If you are in place where you find yourself again and again saying “Why did he do that?” it may be time to step back and take a long, hard look at what you are doing. What pitfalls do you keep falling into? How do you carry yourself around people? Are you setting yourself (and your future Mr. Fantastic) up for success? Be honest with yourself – brutally honest – and figure out what you’re doing wrong and what you’re doing right. Creating a better awareness of what is and isn’t working in your dating life is the first step. Making changes – one by one – is the next.
The 3 Little Words You Will Want To Say
My cousin Big Mary is an inspiration. She is about 70 years old, a retired teacher and absolutely fierce. Although they lived in Virginia, Big Mary, her husband Jim and their daughters Little Mary and Martha would come up to the fine state of Wisconsin at least once a year. Having a very small family, it was always exciting when our cousins with the southern accents would come “up” to visit. My sister and I were always jealous of the tales of school being called off over one measly inch of snow. Ridiculous.
Somewhere over the last ten years or so, Big Mary came up with one of my favorite sayings. She would call to talk to Mom and tell fun stories about life and school in the not so deep south. At one point, it would always come back to Mary’s favorite saying: “Not my problem.” She would say it in a fun accent that reminds me of Gone With The Wind (you know us Northerners, all Southern accents sound the same) and would be copied around my house regularly.
Don’t get me wrong. Mary is kind, funny and warm. She is a great Mom to my favorite cousins. Was a wonderful wife for years as her husband grew ill. A valued teacher, neighbor and friend. But Mary was also a smart and spunky lady who knew what to take responsibility for in her life. She wasn’t saying “I don’t care,” she was saying “I am concerned about that person, but they have to figure it out themselves and I can’t do it for them.”
After flippantly quoting Mary for years, one day I finally got it when I was stressin’ over the guy I was dating. It didn’t matter how much I worried, lectured, empathized, cried or tried to fix his life, I couldn’t. It was literally his problem and he had to work it out. I also realized I needed to accept that maybe they never would. Believing in “the potential,” I thought that if I tried hard enough for the both of us, it would work. I would justify his bad habits, overlook questionable decisions, ignore hurtful comments and actions because when I focused on his problems, I didn’t have to deal with my own.
Something shifted in me that day. I gave myself permission to let go (literally, I broke up with him a couple of days later). To allow others to make their own choices and deal with the consequences. To support and listen, but let them know that I couldn’t take on their problems anymore. But in the end, it was never really about them. When I had others’ issues or dramas to worry about, I could ignore my own. The only person whose problems I could fix. Pretty silly right?
So I ask you this. What is “not your problem?” Who are you trying to fix? Who are you allowing to behave badly in your life? Who is taking up your precious time? Don’t you think it is time to let go? Need help? That is why we are here.